Before I left on my Camino last year, I read A Million Steps by Kurt Koontz, it was one of my favorite pre-Camino reads for a lot of reasons, principal among them was that he kept it kind of real and it was focused on the experience, he did not try to sell you on a specific reason or result of his Camino.
I decided to re-read it just recently to see if I viewed it differently than I had when I read it prior to my Camino last year. It’s still a good read and I would recommend it to anyone, including those who have not walked The Way, maybe specifically those who have not taken that 500-mile walk.
Our existence on this earth has a shelf life, somewhere in the mid-80s seems to be a good average. Some, like my grand-mother went well beyond this average. At 62, I’m now 62% into my self-imposed minimum, 2/3 of the way almost.
Before I left for Spain, and probably because of reaching my 60th year, I began to think about what I’d done to that point in my life. I also thought about what I wanted to do with the remaining years that I have, especially the healthy years.
I have done some good things in my life, things that I’m proud of. Also, like most of us, I’ve screwed up, done things I’m not proud of and, hurt not only myself but others too. I’ve tried to make amends for those grievances and I hope I’ve succeeded.
My point in all of this is that we cannot waste our time rehashing things that we cannot control. For instance, I’ve tried to make right the wrongs that I’ve committed in my life and I mean that sincerely. None of us can go on rehashing these mistakes, we cannot change them. We can and, I hope I have, try not to repeat them and to learn from them.
By the same token, we cannot constantly dream about the future. I’m in sales, I like plans and I live on forecasts. There’s a difference though with life goals. Dreaming for things that you cannot affect is pointless. Oh, we’ve all dreamed about winning the Lottery I suppose but, we can’t plan our lives around that very uncertain eventuality.
There’s a passage in Koontz’s book that struck me particularly during my just completed reading where he speaks about how the Camino changed him, it’s in the last chapter, he says this:
“It is impossible to eliminate the past or avoid all unpleasant memories. However, when I visit my past now, I try to go in, learn, and get the hell out! I am not going to be anchored by some event or trauma from my past. The same goes for the future. While hopes and dreams for a bright forecast are always present, I refuse to walk the rest of my life with eyes solely focused on the horizon. I yield to the current moment.”
I yield to the current moment, I will live in this moment where, I can make a change. I can help someone. I can make a difference. And, the things that I can do impact the world, my world, NOW.
Strangely, it took me walking across Spain and re-reading a book to understand what I believe I already knew. Guilt is a powerful thing and it can bind you, for no good, to the past. Optimism is the same if it is not based in some sort of current reality.
I have friends who may be too strongly bound to events in the past that they cannot change, and, in many cases, they did not cause. I know people who are dreamers but cannot seem to put a plan in place to help them achieve their wonderful goals.
I think it’s also important to know that living in the now can be difficult and even painful. For those living that hard NOW, know that it will one day be a distant memory if you look for the way-marks, guide posts, the yellow arrows of the Camino. In this case, they may not be physical objects but, they’re still as evident and just as real.
I still don’t understand why I went on my Camino but, I’m beginning to understand what I brought home from Spain besides sore knees and well-worn boots. It’s only taken a year.
For those who’ve walked the Camino or, really, any journey where you allowed yourself to live in the moment and to examine life, you’ll understand this statement. The Camino continues, it’s a work in progress…for some.