Month: April 2020

Having a Camino on your doorstep

Tuesday, I received an email from my friend Nigel. We met almost 3 years ago in a bar in Estella as we cooled down after a long hot day that started in Puente la Reina.  My friendship with Nigel and Bernie, like so many others, sprang from my long journey across Spain on the French route of the Camino de Santiago.

Since our first meeting, we’ve had the pleasure of meeting them in Dublin, they live near Belfast and travelling across the island to the Dingle Peninsula where they acted as very gracious guides and good friends.  We cannot thank them enough.

We stay in touch by email mostly although we did have an opportunity during my Virtual Camino Reunion to see each other as well and to let 15 others reunite, see, meet, share and laugh during these tough times.

In Nigel’s email, he wrote about hikes he and Bernie take there in Northern Ireland, their own neighborhood and right outside their door.  I must admit, I was a bit jealous, my neighborhood doesn’t look anything like theirs.  If Nigel will allow me to, I’ll post his pictures for everyone to enjoy.

What struck me though was the subject line of his email, Having a Camino on your doorstep.  I’d written just recently on the Casa Ivar blog in response to a post that “the Camino is wherever you find it” and Nigel’s email just epitomized that for me.

While Spain, Italy, Germany and really all of Europe have long established and sanctioned pilgrimage routes, really, we can just step outside and begin to walk and we’re on the Camino because it’s about what’s happening in your heart that matters.  Yes, the physical aspect is particularly important, and the mental release is vital, and both contribute to the whole of the experience but for me, it’s wholly emotional and spiritual however you define that word.

I introduced a friend to the Wizard of Oz where Dorothy learned that she did not have to travel anywhere to find what she was looking for; it was right outside her door and all around her.  Nigel’s email reminded me of that, and it reminded me of what my Grandmother told me as a child, you “don’t have to look far from home to find happiness”.

Thanks to my friend Nigel and really to all my friends.  They remind me of this simple truth every day.  In these tough days and the tough ones to come, I will keep these wise words at the top of my consciousness.

Thanks Nigel! 

Be Kind Everyday

A while back, some readers may remember that I’d set some goals, quests as I called them.  One of them was to be kind every day, I’d altered it to simplify the concept from perform a random act of kindness every day.  I really wanted it to become ingrained in me to be aware of others and their needs even if they are not expressed.

Tuesday evening, my mother texted me to tell me she’d been reading my blog. Thanks to mothers, many of us have a following of at least one.  She said “I just read your blog, it made me so proud and kind of weepy.  I’m so proud of the man you have become even if we don’t always agree”.  That made me happy.  Even at 63 I still need to hear things like that from my mother, I guess.

After a bit of good-natured snark, I told her that I’m proud of the mother she’s always been, even if we don’t always agree.  She responded with “that makes me smile”.  With my father’s health issues, trips to the hospital and hospice care, my mom hasn’t had a lot to smile about lately, I’m glad I could do it with a simple and honest exchange.

For my quest, this is a perfect example of what I was hoping for.  I didn’t plan it; I didn’t have to “perform” anything, I didn’t know the exchange would even occur.  What I learned from my guide (my Arhat), was that if it comes from the heart and it’s genuine…my response was definitely from the heart and very genuine and completely honest, it’s meaningful.  I guess I continue to learn.

We must all continue to learn, for most of us, our quest for enlightenment is quixotic but like the old Don, we must continue. Yesterday was just one step in front of the last.

Connections

Long before I made so many connections on the Camino, connections that are important to me, I was interested in genealogy.  I’ve always loved history and what history is more important and interesting than the history of your family.

Two years ago, I did the 23&Me DNA test, I was looking for links to the Jones side of my extended family, it seems they just disappear in the mid-1870’s in Tennessee.  Obviously, the Civil War which raged across the American south from 1861-1865 probably contributed as many town and county records were destroyed.  I also learned that a key county courthouse in Bolivar, Hardeman County, Tennessee burned in the late 1800’s.  My Jones family lived there for a while before moving on to Arkansas.

One of the interesting things about 23&Me is that it links subscribers based upon shared DNA and predicts how you may be related.  Sadly, I’ve not found any Jones’s that I was looking for.

What I did find was a second cousin who was lingering out there that I could not place.  This past Sunday, I used the internal messaging system built into the App to reach out to Russell.  Russell (Russ) responded and we continued our discussion after he checked me out to make sure it was not some elaborate phishing scheme, smart move Russ.

As it turns out, Russ and I both descend from the Blackledge side of my family, my maternal grand-mother and his maternal grand-father were brother and sister.  Our grandparents have long since passed but my mother remember her Uncle Joe and her cousin Barbara Jo.

Russ knew very little of the Blackledge side of his family, fortunately I have a lot of information from my grandmother which I thankfully collected before she died 30 plus years ago.  I was happy to be able to share what I had, including pictures of his great-grandparents and his grandfather and siblings.

Maybe someday, Russ and I will have the opportunity to meet, he lives in MA and I live in TX but who knows.

Connections to me are very important, I thrive on them and depend upon them.  I look forward to making new connections of all types and suffer when I lose them.  I am I guess a true people person.

In this time of social isolation, human interaction is suffering, and connections are difficult to make and maintain.  It’s not just the lack of contact, it’s the strain that the current environment puts on us emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. 

I’m trying through whatever means I can think of to maintain these bonds and relationships to both offer some semblance of normalcy but to also console myself.  It’s difficult but, there’s always another hill.  I just have to put one foot in front of the last.

President Ass Clown, A Commentary

I got up this morning and realized that it was a beautiful day and decided that I needed to get outside for a walk.  The Katy Trail now has a system where on Monday-Wednesday anyone can walk.  On Thursday and Saturday people whose last name begins with A-M can walk and those that begin with N-Z are supposed to use it on Friday and Sunday.  It probably looked good on paper but in practice it’s stupid.

If you voted for Trump or watch Fox News, stop reading now.

As I was thinking about this silly plan my mind wandered to the President and his childish and ridiculous actions.  I forgot dangerous so let’s add that too.  Notice I said the President and not my President because for the first time in my adult life the President is not my President.  He never intended to be the President of the entire United States so why do I have to claim him as my President?  He was elected because some people are just dumb, others were complacent, lazy or thought Jill Stein was a good protest vote (special thanks to this group especially).  That’s water under the bridge, come on November.

So, as many of you know, last Thursday, the Ass Clown* who occupies the White House, during one of his rambling incoherent diatribes which he calls his daily Covid-19 update suggested that disinfectants, which kill the virus (unknown) in minutes or UV light or just bright light could somehow be put into the body to kill the virus.  You can’t make this stuff up, really.  So scary that the makers of Lysol put out a statement saying don’t ingest any of they’re cleaning products.

Back in 1976, there was another virus which caused the swine flu, it was feared that it would become a pandemic.  I was at the University of Minnesota at the time and they lined us up and vaccinated thousands of people each week. 

Gerald Ford was President and I remember a picture of him, sleeve rolled up, getting his vaccination.  We call that leading, something the current occupant knows nothing about.

So, President Ass Clown, here’s your opportunity to lead.  Tomorrow, in your favorite paper, the New York Times, I hope to see a picture of you taking a big swing of Lysol with a light bulb shoved up your ass.  Please remember to remove your head first.

Until then, please stop talking.

*Ass Clown: someone who doesn’t know what the hell they are talking about, makes stupid BS comments, pisses people off, and has no idea that everyone thinks this about them. (Urban Dictionary)

The Year Without Bluebonnets

This time of year, in Texas, the countryside is covered with wildflowers, Indian Paintbrush and especially our state flower, the Bluebonnet.  In central Texas, great swaths of pastureland are covered in the orange-red of the Paintbrush and the blue-violet of the Bluebonnet.

People stream out of the cities to take pictures of this annual occurrence.  This year would produce a bumper crop because of the wet and mild winter.  There’s probably not a family in Texas who does not have a family picture in a field of Bluebonnets.

Unfortunately, this year with the CV-19 shelter in place, many if not most will not get to enjoy this beautiful season.  It’s like the philosophical question “If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?”  If no one can see and enjoy all this beauty, did it really occur?  So, this year, for me, it’s the year without Bluebonnets.  Sadly, a lot of things didn’t or won’t occur this year.

This past week, I cancelled the last of our reservations for the trip to Big Bend National Park.  The Park itself will not reopen until June 1st at the earliest so there was really no hope of sneaking it in after the shelter in place is lifted which will probably be May 15th.

I was really looking forward to returning to Big Bend after 40 years with my friends and to showing my German friend Katja something that she will not see in Europe, wide open spaces with few people, buildings or cars and the Milky Way as she’s never seen it before.  Those of us here in Dallas don’t see the stars that way either, there is almost no light pollution in that part of Texas, it’s just so remote.

For me, this year so far has been about a lot of change and adaptation.  Some changes have already occurred, and some will occur in the future but, things will change.  From reading the Dalai Lama, I was reminded that some pain is unavoidable but may be necessary to move forward with healing.

The future always holds promise, I know this year there’s unavoidable pain coming my way as well.  As I try to prepare myself for it, I hope I’m strong enough.

Resistance

For a while now, certainly for the last week, I’ve been in a pretty deep funk, maybe even a little depressed.  There’s a lot of negative things happening on many levels.  The sense of isolation brought on by CV-19 is a shared pain, the health issues with my father is a very personal bit of confinement.  And then, there’s everything in between.

Early on, way back in 2017, as I climbed over the Pyrenees on a blustery Day 1 of my first Camino, I became very aware of how damaging negativity can be.  I think we all sort of know that but, we don’t always take control of it, resist it.  So, after being pulled back down towards that pit, I am now actively resisting it once again.

To that end, I found a YouTube show called Travels by Narrow Boat, I’ve just finished Season One (there are several seasons, who could have imagined).  The show is about a guy who was burned out on life, divorced and maybe a little middle-aged crazy who cashes out and buys a narrow boat on the canals of England.

As with many YouTube shows, it’s not always well done (single camera), there’s no script or plan. It gets better with time or, I got used to it, I don’t know which it is, maybe both.

Kevin Shelley is the Country House Gent (CHG) who produces, writes (?), directs and stars in the show.  Season One took him out of his van as he navigates first the purchase of and then his maiden voyage on the Aslan.

From there the show, 10 episodes I believe, takes him through what at first is the monotonous chugging of the 2-cylinder diesel engine as he cruises aimlessly thorough central England and apparently a million locks.

It took me until the third episode to catch on to the simplicity and when I realized the monotony was not that but it was a relief, a calm, where even the constant and ever present chugging of the diesel engine becomes very meditative like the mantra of his journey.

  • Relevant once again

I then realized that it was very much like the Camino for a Pilgrim.  It was an adjustment, a shock to the system and a slowing of pace.  Once he’d slowed down, suddenly things that once seemed important were not and pedestrian things like ducks, not knowing what day it was and working the locks became normal and valuable.  People became more important and things less so.  While the boat is larger than a backpack, his existence in that moment is basic and simple. Kevin discovers mindfulness.

In the final show, the CHG and the Aslan arrive in Chester, near Liverpool.  As he travels on that last day, he realizes the joy of arrival, even as he’s been there before but he never saw it from this vantage point.  Like walking across Spain where you saw everything in normal time and at eye level, he sees Chester very differently.  He also sees his life very differently as well.

Kevin also laments the end of his journey but, as many of us have discovered, sometimes the end of a journey is just in fact, the beginning of the next.  Please refer to my post, Vanishing Point. Obviously, he has more journeys as there are several seasons now but, it’s interesting to hear him reflect on the changes he’s experienced and how his journey has colored his view of the world.  Most Pilgrims I believe can relate very well to his change and growth.

Oddly, the program has restored some calm in my life.  I enjoyed watching the scenery and appreciating his discovery of this new point of view.  I also had to laugh that he always seemed to be in the same clothes.  On my 2017 Camino, I took 3 t-shirts, but it seems that in most of the pictures that I’m in, I always appear in the same one. I changed shirts everyday but you could not tell by the pictures.  Same with the CHG.

The worlds gone mad and we’re all in time-out wearing masks.  You’ve got time and if you’re patient, you may enjoy Travels by Narrow Boat too.  Or, you may think its total rubbish and wonder why in hell anyone would bother to watch.  You’ll never know until you give it a try.

The Human Experience

It’s interesting, after my post yesterday, we left to visit my father and mother and got back a little before 6:00. Busy with dinner preparations, cleaning up and other assorted activities I did not check my email until this morning.

To my surprise, I had 4 emails about my post. 3 from friends or acquaintances and one from someone I don’t know, which doesn’t happen often unless it’s spam and this was not.

All of the questions centered around the idea or inspiration for my poem. Some who knew me better and are aware of what’s going on with my father asked if that ongoing event was what inspired my writing. The person unknown to me was just curious.

I’m sure my fathers illness and his failing health certainly contributed to my mindset as I lay awake with words and thoughts swirling through my head but, I think The Flame is about the arc of the human experience from birth, through our growth and peak of physical/professional/social position to our inevitable decline and death. As I said, the human experience in 8 lines of verse.

On a different but related subject, the visit with my father helped me tremendously. We almost lost him Wednesday, it was very touch and go as his disease was causing many other complications. I feared two things. 1) That he would pass away in a hospital, a place he’s always hated, surrounded by anonymous people covered head to toe in PPE . 2) That my last memory of him would be him sitting in a car in a Wells Fargo parking lot, masked and weak and 10 feet away.

My father is home now, still weak but in no pain he claims. He’s somewhat surrounded by family, as surrounded as it gets in the times of CV-19. I’ll have more on this later, it’s still a bit raw for me.

Lost

With so many things going on in my life right now, I once again slept poorly which apparently is when my mind is most active.

The Flame

A spark.  Ignition, an ember begins to glow.

With fuel and oxygen, an unyielding flame takes hold.

Consuming, inhaling, the fire continues to grow.

The apex, raw energy, the inferno’s a sight to behold.

Slowly now and without notice, the intensity begins to slow.

Spent of vigor and loss of air the flames begin to fold.

Now quiet and fading the last twinkling still there to show.

Till finally, and without protest, the hearth has now gone cold.

The Wall

I realize that the U.S. has not been as severely restrained as much of the rest of the world.  My friends in Italy and Spain and to a lesser degree those in France and Germany have endured far worse with many more restrictions but, today I feel really isolated and confined.

Generally, I am a glass half full kind of person, I try to see the positive whenever possible in difficult situations.  I can’t do that today.  It seems like the walls are closing in around me in so many ways.

The physical limitations requested to limit trips outside your home wherever possible is the most obvious restraint.  I’ve tried hard to go beyond the shelter in place and maybe that’s part of the problem, I need to be outside more.

Those restrictions lead to the inevitable loss of physical contact with friends and family, it’s been weeks since I’ve seen my closest friends, people who I’m used to seeing on a regular basis.

The ongoing medical situation with my father is also weighing heavily upon me.  The shelter in place has not allowed me to see him except one day last week, in a parking lot, from about 10 feet and only for a few minutes.  I just heard that he’s back in the hospital and with the CV-19 situation, even my mother can’t be with him.  My sister, a nurse, is not optimistic.

I’m not used to being inactive at work but it’s just so slow.  Calls to prospects go unanswered as businesses are shut down.  Voicemail boxes are full, emails not responded to.  I still feel like I should be at my desk so, I am.

As I said, I’m generally a very positive person but today, the last several days, I just have this sense of helplessness and dread.  Maybe this blog is my therapy, getting some of this off my chest, saying them out loud seems to help.

It’s a cool but beautiful day here in Dallas.  I’ll focus on that.