For many years, I’ve practiced meditation and it’s been helpful to me in greater or lesser ways most of my life. I first learned to meditate while I was in High School when I was 16 (I’ve said 17 many times but I realized that I was mistaken). Until recently I thought that I was incorporating it into my life effectively but, I’ve come to realize that I was not. I was using it as a tactic instead of a strategy.
I used meditation as a way to deal with something, often stress but I used it as a response to that stress (tactical) instead of approaching it as a way to understand and avoid the things that caused the stress (strategic). This approach came about out of ignorance of the bigger picture of life, I was 16 at the time, I had no idea of the value of meditation as a holistic approach to life in general. I also had very little additional formal training.
I won’t bore you with long ago and far away so I’ll try to keep my thoughts more recent. For the last several months, I have, we have, all had to deal with many stressful situations created by the Covid-19 pandemic and the resulting shelter in place, shortages, separation, illness and for some, loss.
Personally and on top of this, my fathers illness has added another level of anxiety and sadness. For most of us, there’s also the juggling act with our friends and family which we call life.
For me, I’ve been resisting these things, pushing back against them in a desperate hope that they would somehow resolve themselves in a manner that was less stressful or painful, as if by magic.
I’m now beginning to understand that the more I resist the inevitable, things I have no power over or don’t deserve, the worse they become or the longer the pain lasts. Karl Jung said ‘what we resist, persists’, and I have a much better understanding of how true that is.
As I began to examine these things, I began to understand ‘equanimity’ or mental calmness, evenness and composure. I’m beginning to understand being chill.
I heard a good example of equanimity in real life. Your walking down the street when suddenly a group of very loud motorcycles approaches, becoming louder as they do. You can become annoyed by the noise and disruption and if caught off guard even startled. You resist the noise the intrusion, maybe it makes you mad or hostile. It (the noise) and they (the riders) are problems. The Dalai Lama would call this an afflictive response, it’s damaging and it’s damaging you and those around you..
On the other hand, you can accept the intrusion and realize that you can’t change the noise or circumstance and it will go away. Let it pass, calm yourself, don’t inflict mental/emotional damage on yourself and others. Seek equanimity.
As I examine these last many months, I realize that I have become afflictive and I am hurting myself and others as a result. I cannot change what’s going on in the the world regarding Covid-19. I cannot change single handily what’s going on in America regarding race relations but, I can do my part positively and I will in a calm way.
Also, I cannot change the course of my father’s disease. No matter how upset I become, how angry I stay, I cannot change the prognoses. I can do whatever I can to comfort him and my mother. I can make sure that he knows that I love him and I can tell him again how much he did and does for me. But, I must accept and not resist the reality.
In our personal lives, there are things that we want or wish for that can never be and, there’s nothing that we can do to change that. Life is not unfair, it is just life. So, I (we) can resist accepting these things and continue to hurt myself and others or, I can let these things wash over me and even through me. Accepting that they are there, looking for the best outcome for everyone even if it may be less than what you may have hoped for.
Please don’t misunderstand, accepting in this regard is not capitulation. I don’t mean quit and don’t try but, once you’ve exhausted all realistic options, there comes a time of acceptance. I think of the students who while walking to Roncesvalles from Saint Jean Pied de Port gave up and got a taxi. They mistook accepting that they could not do it instead of the reality that they could do it, it was just going to be difficult. Sadly, they probably never thought to accept the difficulty. A lesson there I think.
I did not understand it at the time but the Camino was a month long introduction to equanimity. I felt no stress. If it rained, it rained. The old Spaniard spelled it out when he told me that it didn’t matter what the forecast was for tomorrow because “I will work and you will walk”, a simple acceptance of reality. And, the rain never came so I was worried for no reason at all yet, still I worried needlessly.
Search as we may, sometimes we need a guide to help us see and understand what is right before our eyes.