Category: Reflection

Like a rock

September 1st was my father’s birthday and it was a somber day for me, I wrote about it and I now have to keep looking forward.

Luckily, September 2nd is my friend Bill’s birthday.  He and I were both born in 1956, two weeks and a thousand miles apart.  So, he’s my brother from another mother.  Bill and I have been friends since the day after my birthday in 1972. If you asked him today what we were talking about that day, he could tell you. 

Because our birthdays are exactly 2 weeks apart, we used to have a party on September 9th, a co-birthday party. We used to make some rocking brownies.

While we don’t get to see each other as much as I’d like, we can still pick up conversations from months ago as if they had just occurred.  We try to go to a Minnesota Gopher’s football (American football) game each year, that won’t be happening this year sadly.

Bill’s father died 20 plus years ago, I was glad I could be there for him.  I know that were things different, he would have been here when my father died earlier this year.  He could not be here, but he made a point of calling regularly during his illness and in the weeks after his death.  It meant a lot to me.

For me, friendships like mine with Bill and a few other people in my life are deep and binding.  There’s very little I would not do for these friends.  Friendship at this level can be deeply rooted in time but, for some reason, for me, they can just happen.  That doesn’t happen often but sometimes you just know.  At least I do anyway.

For my friend Bill, Happy Birthday.  Maybe, if the Big 10 plays football this winter, I’ll put on my long-johns and we can freeze our butts off at TCF Stadium watching Minnesota beat Ohio State.

I love you Buddy, thank you for your friendship.

Out of sorts

Today would have been my father’s 85th birthday. I don’t know from first hand experience but I suspect that these milestones, birthdays, holidays, etc. will be difficult at first. He died a couple days before father’s day, that was a tough day for me.

So, I take a deep breath and think about all of the birthday’s that we were able to share. And, like any journey, you put one foot in front of the last and keep on walking.

Obsession?

People wonder and some have asked me, why are you obsessed with the Camino?  Or, for a non-believer, you spend a lot of time writing about a Catholic Pilgrimage route, why?

Part of their question(s) are valid but maybe a bit mis-stated.  I have no particular obsession with the Camino (or any other thing) but, I am very interested in what my time on the Camino offered me.  It is an evolving offering and an enduring challenge so yes, I do spent time thinking about this offering and, I choose to discuss it here, in my blog.

In my life and, I don’t think my life is that much different than most other people’s, certainly not other American’s, there have been phases in which we experience similar but different things.  For me, they’ve gone something like this.

  1. Birth to young adulthood was spent learning all the basic things that humans need to survive and thrive in the modern world.  Besides walking, talking and beginning to learn, there’s how to get along in groups, learning to become responsible for ourselves, education and finally, living on our own using the aforementioned tools.  Let’s face it, some do better than others even at this basic phase.  Some have access to mentors, education, and life tools that others don’t.  A basic but undeniable reality, these children had no choice in their situation, but it can doom them to a very different life than I’ve known.
  2. Young adulthood and this may overlap with the end of Phase 1 a bit but it’s the time where you have some freedom, you probably make a lot of mistakes because while you were taught certain things, you hadn’t really learned them until you fall and scrape you knee a few times.  Sometimes this phase laps into the next, relationships and marriage.  No matter how, it can be a very selfish time, a lot of me.  What I want, we still haven’t had to figure out the WE thing yet.
  3. For many, Phase 3 is both rewarding and destructive.  Rewarding because they begin their family.  You strive to provide for them, you want your children to be better off than you were, this was drilled into our heads.  To do this, you work, for most in the United States, both parents work.  Kids go off to school, mom goes to work and, in my case, I went to the airport far too often and was gone far too much.  It’s what the breadwinner does, right?  For some, this is where the destruction can begin.  Like an aging car, routine and required maintenance is overlooked or skipped all together.  Relationships suffer.  Our focus is often on the wrong thing, that promised shiny object called success or the American Dream, whatever that actually is.
  4. For those who survive Phase 3, this next phase is hopefully very rewarding.  The phase where the children leave home, the empty nest.  Often, this period is one of rebirth and rejuvenation.  There can be more expendable income, more time to do things like travel.  If you’re lucky, this phase lasts until the end, staying healthy in all senses of that word is important.
  5. I’m not going to spend much effort here for some, this can be a lonely and sad place.  The loss of a partner or your health.

At this point in my life, I’m in Phase 4.  Our children are grown and for the most part happy and healthy, we have grandchildren, we’re comfortable financially, and we’ve been able to travel and enjoy life…except this year.  I’m healthy which is critical to enjoying this part of my life.

This brings me to why my Camino of 2017 was so impactful to me.  For 2 years I got to plan (once I got to Spain, this all went out the window) and dream about being outside for an extended period of time, meeting people and loving life.

Preparing for this journey brought me great joy as I got to spend a lot of time outside with friends, walking ourselves into shape.  Really though, once we were in shape, it was building upon our friendship and, in my case, really getting to know Ann, someone I’ve “known” for years.  That has been an added joy.

Arriving in France and then into Spain, I was immediately challenged both mentally and physically.  I over came those challenges, a great emotional relief.

I also had time to think about me, who I was, am and want to be.  A rekindled interest in mindfulness that I’d been introduced to 40 years earlier.  I had time to focus on this with no phones ringing, no emails to respond to and no real responsibilities other than walk and prepare to do he same thing again tomorrow.  The simplicity was liberating in all senses of the word.  My mind was set free.

Friendships and camaraderie came easily, some of the people I met are now fixtures in my being.  Yes, I do not see them as much as I’d like but, they will always be with me and I can call them up in my mind (email or phone) when I need to.

All of these things have allowed me to realign my life and priorities, this is still a work in progress, as it should be, I suppose but, I believe it’s made me a better person.  It’s certainly made me a more spiritual person.

Don’t get me wrong, I did not have a religious conversion on the Camino.  I have come to realize, with help, encouragement and guidance that many of the things some credit to a faith, exist in all of us.  For my friends who believe, keep believing, I hope it makes you strong and your lives positive.  I too am feeling strong and positive, we share that.

Am I obsessed with my Camino?, no.  I am still learning from it every day, yes.  If that’s obsession, then I guess I need to change my answer or you need to change your question.

If what I’m doing and being is an obsession, you may want to join me on my ongoing Camino. The Fall of 2023 is calling.

Wasted year?

2020, what a year so far.  It’s sad when the best thing you can say about a year is that you didn’t catch the virus, yet.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I didn’t but, still, that’s a sad reflection.

I have been trying to look for positive things and they are few and far between. But I’m going to try to give it a go anyway.

  1. I did get to see my friends Carol & Letina, the Kiwi’s, and enjoy a long weekend in New Orleans with them in January.
  2. My friend Katja met someone, it’s still early but, seems like there’s potential there, that’s a good thing.
  3. Most everyone I know has remained healthy; I know a couple who’ve tested positive for CV-19 but they seem to have weathered it.  That’s very good.
  4. We have our home back.  I love my daughter and grandkids but, I think everyone is happy that they have their own place now.
  5. I look forward to seeing my Camino friends somewhere outdoors in September, I miss them all and that would be a very good thing.
  6. We look forward to finally beginning our oft delayed remodel project.  While having your home torn up and dusty for a month may not sound like a good thing, it is.
  7. We’re going to drive to Ft. Walton to see Albert before he has to deploy again. The idea when they bought their Townhouse here was that he would come up regularly. Who could have anticipated CV-19, DOD travel bans and #floridamorons? It will be very good to see him, I’ve missed him.
  8. I guess I’ve learned that small things in times like this are as important as the big things.  That’s a long forgotten good thing.
  9. CV-19 and the isolation that it brought gave me more time and, incentive to work on my spiritual self, probably a good thing too.
  10. Trump loses in a landslide (projecting), a very good thing.

So, maybe 2020 is not a total bust and if we look around, focus on the good things, the good deeds and the good people it suddenly looks much better.

Black Hole

It’s been a while since my last post, for the last week to ten days, I have just been in a rut.  The reality of CV-19 in Texas and the United States is becoming overwhelming for me.

In Dallas County, where I live, most people are wearing masks, to them I say thank you.  It’s probably too early to tell but, it seems that the number of infections identified per day is beginning to go down, it had peaked at over 1,200 but today, we were on the 10th day below that peak so, maybe there’s a change starting to take hold.  Masks and closing bars is a big part of that.

The disappointing thing is that too many still feel that they should not have to wear masks.  Some claim it’s their right not to, I guess they feel that it’s also their right to infect others.  There are even people that are wearing very thin mesh masks, a giant middle finger to the world.  Because there is no legal definition of what a mask/face covering is, they can get away with it.  And, still infect others.

Fools!

There are people who are militant about not wearing a mask, some have physically attacked people who ask them to put a mask on.  I don’t understand how these people can be so selfish.  Of course, we have a President who encourages this type of behavior and a news channel that touts these idiots as heroes of some sort.  I wish no one ill but, if anyone deserves to get CV-19, these fools are it.  Sadly, the virus doesn’t know the difference between those of us who are doing our part and the selfish miscreants.

What got me so down was thinking about this going on for many more months.  While we are not currently under a mandatory stay at home order, those of us who are trying to do our part do stay home, a lot.  Restaurants are open and there is patio seating but the number of people who do not take CV-19 seriously and don’t wear masks or observe physical distancing make this a non-starter.  Besides, it’s summer in Dallas and temps outside are mid-90’s or 35C and humid, not great patio weather.

Not seeing friends and family is the toughest part.  Before CV-19, we saw our friends every week.  Dinner out was a regular thing.  We’ve not been to dinner out since the first weekend in March.  I feel like I’m in a minimum-security prison.

Yes, I can get outside but that’s usually alone and you’re ever cautious about your physical distancing, a cough can clear the entire area.  Not much joy their.

I realize that my fellow Americans created this problem, spurred on of course by President Ass Clown but man, it is wearing on me, and others.  Sadly, the way it’s looking, this will continue in the U.S. for months more.  That’s what is wearing me down.  So much of this could have been prevented.  Instead, I feel like I’m being sucked into a Black Hole.

Earlier this year, I created a new category, Whining, I’ll add this to that category.

Back into the light

After what seems like a time of furious posting, I took a little time off to refocus.  During the last several months, with CV-19, the illness of my father and other personal disruptions, I think I poured all of my anxiety into my blog as a type of therapy.  For that, I apologize.

The day my father died, I spent an hour or so with him.  I held his hand and we talked, yes, I believe he was talking to me too.  I told him about my 2017 Camino, we’d discussed it a bit in the past, but I went into more detail.  It seemed very natural because life is very much like the Camino even in the sense that some believe that both life and the Camino continue after the physical end.

I also told my father about my return to Spain, a very different trip this past year.  I told him about placing a rock for my grandmother, his mother, on the way up to O’Cebreiro one of the days I walked with my friend Katja.

I also told him that when I return some day, I will place a rock for him someplace along the Way.  I think, he’ll enjoy the spot I choose, and I will always remember where it is.  I think he’ll enjoy watching the sun rise and set, the seasons changing and all the Pilgrims as they walk by.

This past year, I left a note and 2 talismans in a special place for my grandsons, Layden and Archer.  I’ve written a note with directions on where it is and how to find it, besides that note, only 2 people actually know where it is.  My hope is that they go to Spain and walk the Camino in search of my message and on their way, they remember their great-grandfather and his mother not knowing where their stones are so, I guess they are everywhere.

I hope I’m around to hear their stories.

Tread Softly

As Europe begins to open its borders and Pilgrims once again walk the Camino masked and physically distanced of course, I’m curious what the experience will be like.

The Camino, by its nature, is for most people a highly social event.  Will the smiles of joy be hidden away behind masks?  Will the laughter or the familiar greeting of Buen Camino be muffled beyond recognition?

Albergue life, always a close quarter activity will certainly become very much less so.  Communal kitchens and meals, are they for the time being a thing of the past?  Will the new fragrance of the Camino become the scent of hand sanitizer?

There’s a lot of physical contact on the Way, handshakes and hugs most notably and for those of faith, how will the Mass and communion experience change?  Will the very nature of the Camino as we knew it pre-Covid-19 be forever changed?

What about the weary and probably wary Spaniards, the hosts for all Pilgrims, how will they fare?  Understandably, I expect that most interactions will be a bit distant, certainly physically.  Will there be resentment towards the possibly infected visitors?  I hope not but I guess I can understand their fear and caution.  And how does one even begin to understand what must be a shocked populous of Santo Domingo de la Calzada?  With great care, I hope.

Finally, how will the 2020 Pilgrims act?  Will they be responsible, careful, thoughtful, sensitive, and respectful?  We all owe it to the people of Spain and those along the ancient Way to be all that and to tread softly.

I don’t have answers to any of these questions, I don’t think anyone does.  Pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostela this year and quite possibly next is going to require more than physical stamina.

The entire world is being impacted by Covid-19.  We’ve all endured stay at home, social isolation, illness and far too many deaths.  Some have dealt with it better than others and are receiving a small reward in the form of an intermission between the first wave and the inevitable second.  Here in the U.S., not so much so we just pretend that all is good and our President creates some other controversy to distract.

The difference between Spain and the rest of Europe and specifically the Camino in northern Spain is that unlike other places, the world in not marching through your towns every day.  So, I believe that we all owe them our best.  We do in the best of times too.

I believe that most people who are drawn to the Camino are big hearted, thoughtful, helpful, sensitive, and generous (however they can be).  I hope that as the Camino once again hosts people from Europe first and then the rest of the world, we all amplify those good traits when dealing with everyone but most especially the people whose lives we have or will walk through each day.

Finally, whatever it may be currently, the Camino lives first in our hearts I believe and we as humans have been adapting from the beginning.  Enjoy the experience, whatever it happens to be.  Enjoy the outdoors and your physically distanced Camino family.  And, be kind every day.

These next couple of years will be very telling for us all, I hope as we look back one day, it somehow becomes a shining moment in our history as people and how we treated one another during these trying times. 

Be safe and, Buen Camino.

Also posted on the Casa Ivar blog.

Equanimity

For many years, I’ve practiced meditation and it’s been helpful to me in greater or lesser ways most of my life. I first learned to meditate while I was in High School when I was 16 (I’ve said 17 many times but I realized that I was mistaken). Until recently I thought that I was incorporating it into my life effectively but, I’ve come to realize that I was not. I was using it as a tactic instead of a strategy.

I used meditation as a way to deal with something, often stress but I used it as a response to that stress (tactical) instead of approaching it as a way to understand and avoid the things that caused the stress (strategic). This approach came about out of ignorance of the bigger picture of life, I was 16 at the time, I had no idea of the value of meditation as a holistic approach to life in general. I also had very little additional formal training.

I won’t bore you with long ago and far away so I’ll try to keep my thoughts more recent. For the last several months, I have, we have, all had to deal with many stressful situations created by the Covid-19 pandemic and the resulting shelter in place, shortages, separation, illness and for some, loss.

Personally and on top of this, my fathers illness has added another level of anxiety and sadness. For most of us, there’s also the juggling act with our friends and family which we call life.

For me, I’ve been resisting these things, pushing back against them in a desperate hope that they would somehow resolve themselves in a manner that was less stressful or painful, as if by magic.

I’m now beginning to understand that the more I resist the inevitable, things I have no power over or don’t deserve, the worse they become or the longer the pain lasts. Karl Jung said ‘what we resist, persists’, and I have a much better understanding of how true that is.

As I began to examine these things, I began to understand ‘equanimity’ or mental calmness, evenness and composure. I’m beginning to understand being chill.

I heard a good example of equanimity in real life. Your walking down the street when suddenly a group of very loud motorcycles approaches, becoming louder as they do. You can become annoyed by the noise and disruption and if caught off guard even startled. You resist the noise the intrusion, maybe it makes you mad or hostile. It (the noise) and they (the riders) are problems. The Dalai Lama would call this an afflictive response, it’s damaging and it’s damaging you and those around you..

On the other hand, you can accept the intrusion and realize that you can’t change the noise or circumstance and it will go away. Let it pass, calm yourself, don’t inflict mental/emotional damage on yourself and others. Seek equanimity.

As I examine these last many months, I realize that I have become afflictive and I am hurting myself and others as a result. I cannot change what’s going on in the the world regarding Covid-19. I cannot change single handily what’s going on in America regarding race relations but, I can do my part positively and I will in a calm way.

Also, I cannot change the course of my father’s disease. No matter how upset I become, how angry I stay, I cannot change the prognoses. I can do whatever I can to comfort him and my mother. I can make sure that he knows that I love him and I can tell him again how much he did and does for me. But, I must accept and not resist the reality.

In our personal lives, there are things that we want or wish for that can never be and, there’s nothing that we can do to change that. Life is not unfair, it is just life. So, I (we) can resist accepting these things and continue to hurt myself and others or, I can let these things wash over me and even through me. Accepting that they are there, looking for the best outcome for everyone even if it may be less than what you may have hoped for.

Please don’t misunderstand, accepting in this regard is not capitulation. I don’t mean quit and don’t try but, once you’ve exhausted all realistic options, there comes a time of acceptance. I think of the students who while walking to Roncesvalles from Saint Jean Pied de Port gave up and got a taxi. They mistook accepting that they could not do it instead of the reality that they could do it, it was just going to be difficult. Sadly, they probably never thought to accept the difficulty. A lesson there I think.

I did not understand it at the time but the Camino was a month long introduction to equanimity. I felt no stress. If it rained, it rained. The old Spaniard spelled it out when he told me that it didn’t matter what the forecast was for tomorrow because “I will work and you will walk”, a simple acceptance of reality. And, the rain never came so I was worried for no reason at all yet, still I worried needlessly.

Search as we may, sometimes we need a guide to help us see and understand what is right before our eyes.

It all has to come from inside

Warning, if you think President Ass Clown and his flunky’s, including Attorney General Bill Barr’s walk of shame to Saint John Church while gassing and beating peaceful and lawful protesters was a good move, please go to another site.

I am a 63-year-old white man who was born in Texas and that’s where I’ve lived most of my life.  If you looked at only my demographics, you may not think that the Black Lives Matter movement would be important to me.  While it would be a stereotype, it is not an unreasonable stereotype unfortunately.  If you did however choose to stereotype me that way, you would be wrong, very wrong.

Sadly, it should matter to us all but, it does not.  In a country that has been divided for political and partisan reasons, in a culture which has become zero sum (if you get something it comes at my expense) and in an environment where it’s now okay to say out loud the hateful things you only thought except around “friends”, racial justice and equality should matter to us all.

We see it all the time, we know it’s happening.  A young black man does not walk through Highland Park, Texas (or many other places) without being “checked out” because clearly, he doesn’t belong there.  No thought given to the fact that he may live there, maybe his car broke down, he’s walking to work or, he’s just out walking.  He should know that he’s being watched, right?  Wrong!

George Floyd, a black man was murdered on live TV in Minneapolis, nothing new, it’s been happening to black men and women for years, don’t forget Sandra Bland in Waller County, Texas.  Pulled over for a minor traffic offense that most of us call “driving while black”.  She was arrested for arguing with a State Trooper.  She committed suicide in her cell after not being able to arrange bail…for a traffic stop.

Some White Americans sit by and say, what a shame.  I always thought that the racial intolerance held by white Americans would subside naturally over time.  My grand-father was a racist, he wasn’t born that way but it’s all he saw.  My father is better, I’m nothing at all like my grand-father and my children are far better than I am.  While I do think this process will eventually work, there’s just not time.  We must confront this now.

If you’re a racist, own it.  No need to keep it hidden, you’re not succeeding anyway.  If you are not but you tolerate racist jokes, racial intolerance or acts, it’s time to stop.  I would rather lose a friend by saying I won’t tolerate those things than to silently let them happen in my presence and being thought of as a co-conspirator, you know what I mean.

One of my daughters and I disagree as to the actions taken by some of the protestors.  Violence and looting, to me, is never the answer, period.  No matter how frustrated you may be, burning down your neighborhood, looting the CVS and generally creating mayhem will not solve the problem and it will definitely hurt access to affordable housing and exacerbate already poor access to local sources of fresh food and healthcare. 

I also think that to a certain extent the aggrieved parties, Black Americans, are once again being used by those with other agendas.

So, I’m asked what is the solution if not violent confrontation?  I don’t have a grand plan, I don’t think anyone does but, burning and looting is not ever a good plan.  So, what would I do right now?  The first step for me would be a simple one, find out if the restraint used on Mr. Floyd is legal and used here in Dallas and Texas generally.  If it is, it should not be and anyone who uses it should be disciplined, immediately.

I would begin immediately on evaluating how to avoid confrontations and how to de-escalate those that do occur.  Cops also have to know that intolerance and illegal, immoral and unethical actions will not be tolerated because often, they still are.  Police officers must also not hesitate to intervene and/or report those actions.  The thin blue line is not there to protect bad actors on the police force.

We must also do away with the “don’t be a snitch” mentality by the police and by any community that witness illegal acts.  Our right to protest is constitutional.  We have no right to burn, loot and destroy or harass and abuse American’s because of the color of their skin..

I gladly stand with those who want to protest and demand these long-awaited changes.  I will work, however I can to find a long term solution regarding police training and necessary legal changes.

For a blog that started because of my preparing to walk The Camino de Santiago, the Way of Saint James, this is also a journey and Way. This Way is to tolerance and change. But the change we need most is a change of heart.  As Jimmy Hendrix said, “it all has to come from inside.”  We can no longer stand by and say it doesn’t affect me because it does and it always has.

BLACK LIVES MATTER!

Attitude of Gratitude

Three years ago today, I left Dallas for a 45 day journey which would change me in ways I could never have anticipated and I am grateful to everyone who made it possible for me to take that voyage of discovery.

I could not have done it without Susan’s buy in and if not understanding why it was important to me, she at least knew that it was important to me.

As a working American, taking 45 days off is unheard of.  I know my European friends think that we’re crazy and, we probably are but, Bob Reynolds allowed me to take this sort of sabbatical and I thank him for that.

My friends, some of whom joined me on my walk across Spain made my trip if not possible, certainly more pleasurable, they contributed to my spiritual journey and it’s much easier training for the Camino with friends who picked me up when I was down, I hope I did the same for them.  Thank you Leighton, Renee, Ann, Rick, Paul and Becky.

Mi familia Camino

I don’t think that most people ever think about all the moving parts there are for a journey like the Camino de Santiago.  We started planning our trip in 2015 and began organized training walks in September of 2016.  Looking back on it, my Camino started then.

When I arrived in Lisbon on May 17th and then Bordeaux the next day, it still all seemed so unreal.  The minute I stepped off the train in Saint Jean Pied de Port with dozens of other Pilgrims, it got very real, very fast.  The first steps of my Camino were the walk in the rain from the station to my first albergue, the Auberge du Pelerin.

I’m grateful for all of the people that I met, Leo, Brian, Chris and Steve, Donna, Madison, Sarah and Greg, Dawn and Nallie, Bernie and Nigel, Alex, the Canadians, Carol and Letena, the two French brothers that I can’t remember their names.  I’m particularly grateful to my friend and spiritual guide, Katja.  There are many, many others.  Thanks to them all.

What brought all this on was an article that I read online out of The Columbian a newspaper in Washington State.  The story is about an 80 year old woman who planned to walk the Portuguese route of the Camino de Santiago and was in Portugal as that country and Spain began to shut down in March, the whole story is linked via the newspaper name.

What struck me was her belief in an “attitude of gratitude”.  She states, “Gratitude makes the world different” she said.  “I know I have become kinder and more helpful.  I’m not getting impatient the way I was.”

In this time of confusion, confinement, and fear, maybe we should all embrace the “attitude of gratitude.”

I’m grateful for what I have and will deal with what comes my way and I hope to do it with a smile on my face and love in my heart.  Thank you to everyone who helped me along this continuing journey.

Remember, be kind every day.